A note to our reader: On November 8, it was a crucial time in the United States. We went from worrying over what type of beer we wanted to being heavily concerned about an uncertain future. Not all was bleak that night, however, because it was a night of PROGress for us. As people were sitting in their homes collectively losing their shit watching our elections unravel, we were in our panic room known as Brick By Brick.
Though we weren’t immune to the madness outside of the Brick, we began debating important issues of our own like, what beer should we get? Does this look infected to you? Is the Carpathian Forest real!? Most importantly, with crazy times ahead of us, who will lead this site!? The Ugh Metal staff assembled and organized THE debate to end all debates to find our new leader, and found a worthy and stellar moderator. All of that made us Sleepless…
Chuggo Frump: UNDER THE EARTH! Like the mole men!
Jenny-Oh Flimpton: You leave the mole men alone! They are prosperous people and have contributed to the economy…
Moderator, The Earth: Whoa, whoa! What the fuk are you both on!? There are no mole men, I would know.
C: YOU’RE THE PUPPET!
J: Yeah! *High fives Frump*
The Earth: It is a wonder that anyone would elect either of you to run this site. But back to the important matter at hand, what did you think of the local band Sleepless Under The Earth? Mr. Frump, you go first.
C: Well I thought…
The Earth: AND NO INTERRUPTING!
C: *Frump glares* As I was saying…
C: As I was saying, it was a Prog night. As in through them I saw progress.
J: What does that even mean!?
The Earth: Mr. Frump, please clarify.
C: It was Oceanside’s own that made me see the light of things I am championing.
The Earth: Mr. Frump, what are you talking about?
C: I’m talking about clown’s rights!
J: He’s diverting again! You said no diverting!
C: THAT MOVIE SUCKED!
The Earth: Settle down you two! Mr. Frump, Divergent is the title of the movie and the book not diverting.
C: Tomatoe, tomato. Furthermore…
The Earth: Your time’s up! Ms. Flimpton, your turn.
J: Thank you, Earth. Well, I thought that much like this modest and young generation, they have great potential and can make a difference.
C: What does that even mean!? Are you saying they sucked?
J: What!? No! Leave it to Frump to misconstrue my words again!
C: If I were elected to moderate this site, I will…
The Earth: Mr Frump! Allow Ms. Flimpton to finish uninterrupted! Ms. Flimpton, please continue.
J: Oh. That was all I had to say but they were bitchin’. They can be San Diego’s very own melodic Lamb Of God. Ross Warren’s vocals are eerily similar to Randy Blythe’s, it’s like Lamb Of God decided to dabble in Prog.
The Earth: Thank you, Ms. Flimpton. Now for our next quest…
C: *Cough* Bullshit *Cough*
The Earth: Mr. Frump, are you okay?
C: Yes. I’m sorry my allergies are acting up, you know, it is bullshit season after all.
The Earth: Mr. Frump! I will not tolerate profanity in this debate! For that, Ms. Flimpton will go first on the following question. Freebies aside, what did you think about Orange County’s Sorizon?
J: I was impressed to say the least…
C: *Cough* Fuk you Earth *Cough*
J: Anyway! I enjoyed their sound a lot! Their songs took me in to an epic odyssey and I will be blasting them while I fight the Kraken… and ISIS of course.
C: I’ll be damned if you take over with “The Twisted Hand of Fate!”
J: Your propositions and your rants make me want to “Slumber into Death.”
C: Whatever, betch… this is just another response for the ones who don’t want to approach The Gorge!
The Earth: What the… Mr. Frump….!
J: You leave The Gorge out of this!
C: No, it is time we bring The Gorge in to this conversation!
The Earth: If you insist…
C: I DO!
The Earth: Very well… Ms. Flimpton you begin.
The Earth: Ms. Flimpton, you begin!
J: Well…They… these bald men extraordinaire, came to us from St. Louis and… that is a milestone! Progressive, if you will.
The Earth: Okay… Ms. Flimpton, would you care to elaborate further?
J: Balds rights!
C: If I may?
The Earth: Please do… for the love of Gaia!
C: That album from the Dave Matthews Band…
The Earth: Really? We’re on a metal site and you want to talk about Dave Matthews?
J: What’s wrong with Dave Matthews? He has soul and that’s pretty metal!
The Earth: I will go on record and say that I hate you both!
C: Haha, Earth hates you! *points at Flimpton*
The Earth: That includes you too, Mr. Frump.
C: See… this is what I’m talking about. Clowns’ rights! Clowns are…
The Earth: A waste of existence! Could we please just discuss the band named The Gorge.
C: Fine…! Let’s do what you want to do! The Gorge, to me, sounds like if Between The Buried and Me grew a pair and ditched the keyboard! There… I said it! Someone had to!
J: I… actually agree! They did not bore me. Furthermore, it was a fun and bumpy ride. That is all I have to say.
The Earth: Are you serious? You still have some time to…
J: About The Gorge. Happy, now?
The Earth: … Let us speak about North.
C: Yes, the mystical lands of the Canádas saw an influx of…
The Earth: Mr. Frump, please stay on the subject.
C: I am, if you would let me finish! As I was saying, it was the moment where the Frump saw the miracle of a clown was winning the presidency! *grinning with tears of joy, clown makeup running down his face* with that victorious milestone, I saw Americans rushing to the North.
The Earth: *stern look*
J: Rush is from Canada. Which happens to be in the North. They won a lot of awards too.
The Earth: Ms. Flimpton, we are on the subject of the Arizona band named North.
J: … Fine. They sound like an edgier, sludgier and ballsier version of Mastodon.
C: I kind of disagree but maybe it’s just my “Weight Of All Thoughts.”
The Earth: Mr. Frump, what you just said made no sense. Let us move on to The Ocean, while I…
C: Again… with this hippy talk!
J: If I win this debate, I promise to reward each Orca with three orphan seals to nurture them.
The Earth: Uh… are you serious?
C: Our public education system at its finest! Anyway, Dutchland’s …
The Earth: You mean Deutschland?
J: Number one! That’s what I would be if I were to win this debate. But I have sailed many oceans but The Ocean is unlike any other I’ve seen.
C: Agreed! For this one I happened to be “The Quiet Observer.” Especially when they announced that a clown was officially elected to the head office. Still dunno why The Ocean felt sympathy for us.
J: It was especially hard to look away when the lead singer, Loïc Rossetti, would crouch and slowly pace the stage like a predator with the instrumentals. Then, BAM! Rossetti would spring in to his spazz attack and lose his shit with the climactic part of the songs. Rossetti was also the David to Warren’s Goliath. Poor guy took quite a TUMBLE when the tiny Rossetti dove himself in to his arms.
C: Is this what we are calling the moment?
J: What moment?
The Earth: *Sigh* Clearly you both lost your shit. Thank Gaia… I mean, unfortunately we’re out of time. Let’s have the closing statements, Ms. Flimpton, you go first.
J: The Ocean was full of surprises, much like the ocean. Just when you think it’s going to be a smooth ride, you’re whacked by a rogue wave of heavy riffs… and spazz attacks. Opeth would be proud!
The Earth: Thank you, Ms. Flimpton. Mr. Frump, your statement.
C: I would like to say that The Ocean and their company were a treat. All they proved that night was that no matter the circumstances, as artists and performers, integrity was key and the show simply must go on.
The Earth: Uh…wow! That was… good. And that concludes this debate. This is The Earth letting you know to keep moshing and make metal great again! The real winner here was me, for listening to this lunacy. Good night, everyone!