A note from the Klown: The Klown bids greetings to you all. Though we did not attend the BIG Slipknot and Marilyn Manson show featuring Of Mice & Men on August 17, it was a good show… or so we heard here at Ugh Metal. Due to legal statutes and limitation, The Klown cannot be anywhere near Shawn “The Clown” Crahan… we had a slap fight over the clown gimmick and was hitting on one of my kegs… I also thought he was my father at one point. Surprisingly, this Star Wars battle didn’t end in a shocking paternal revelation but rather concluded in a lawful way per se. Ugh Metal went to Brick by Brick and like good metalheads, we attended a black mass on a Wednesday.
On August 18, Ugh Metal witnessed one of the most respected and badass black metal bands known as Belphegor and no we were NOT worthy, but we went anyway. Local band, Gravespell, commenced this unholy sermon giving the crowd a quick fix of adrenaline thanks to their mix of black and death metal.
The band also treated with some material from their current EP Ignis and performed the track from the namesake album, “Ignis”. Unlike Jenny Oh’s picky ass, I felt a connection with front man Garrett Davis especially when he suggested buying merch, drinks for them and the invitation for the 69!
Jenny Oh: Enough about Chuggo’s crippling weakness for blowjobs! It’s all about the music, man!
Klown: No, betch… I’m writing this shit! I only started it!
J: Yes but sadly, the front man was disappointed that you couldn’t end it.
K: Anyway…! The following was another local act by the name of Dizaster INc. These guys spoke to me. The front man Tyson Wotan’s lyrics, assuming that he is the lyricist of the group, spoke to the Klown almost as if he knew me…
J: You couldn’t have said any better especially once he performed “She’s Not Too Young For Me.”
K: Shaddup… our shitty lawyer told you never speak of that… again!
J: YOU have problems… anyway, I enjoyed the old school sound that they played. Reminds me of the old kegger days.
K: Yours maybe, mine have yet to end! I am THE KEG klown. But in all seriousness, I liked the sound and Derek Diggler did a great job incorporating the bass in to each song. After Dizaster’s performance we moved on to the American black metal sounds that are known as Abigail Williams.
J: They’re still around!?
K: Yes… and unlike the witch that I know, known as Jenny Oh, I actually can tolerate their sound.
J: Didn’t you say that they promised a new album?
K: Yeah… maybe they’re like us. Promising an article… on time.
J: First of all, promising and not delivering!? Typical men. Second of all, up yours!
K: Typical Jenny Oh, trying to incorporate some sort of feminist agenda to something.
J: Damn straight! I’m still waiting on them to shine the spotlight on the Abigail Williams chick. She’s the real star of this show!
K: You do know that the band is named after the antagonist from The Crucible?
J: Shut up, you stupid man! Quit trying to tear down my feminism!
K: Ladies and gentlemen, our public education at their best. Enough about this borderline she-he spewing a misandrist agenda! Let’s talk about what actually matters, Shining’s performance. For most of us GG Allin is a legend that a lot of us will never experience. Fortunately, Niklas Kvarforth, the founder and front man of Shining, is to a degree a version of the late GG Allin.
J: I’m going to have to agree. Kvarforth was an attractive, crazy… his craziness… He was a gem and performers should take a page out of his book, he was interactive AF. He knows how to show his audience a good time with his physical interaction and his horse whip… He marked you with his blood, Chuggo.
K: Yeah…. During the time where I think he wanted me to blow him. I’m open to a lot of things but… I dunno, man. It was an intense hug, as he crouched. I’m still wondering if he was baptizing you, before moving onto me.
J: Oh…. He baptized me alright especially with that hose whip. It was truly an unforgettable evening with Kvarforth. Let’s move on to Origin and how they settled the score once and for all: Black metal vs. Death metal with a wall of death! And we’re not going to say who won but it rhymes with “no one.” OOOPS!
K: Spoiler alert. They had a good performance. Another group, who knows how to keep the party going. It was never a dull moment and Origin’s front man Jason Keyser laid down the law that no matter what you do, they feed off any type of energy and return it twofold.
J: And twofold they did. They did a great job as the co-headliners. It was great enough to open up the gates of hell!
K: Fuck yeah, Belphegor! Finally, the gates of hell were experienced in real time. It was enough to even summon a bit of Anton LaVey.
J: The power of Helmuth and his henchmen have nothing on LaVey. I feel LaVey was more intimidating.
K: If you say so.
J: No, Chuggo I was referring to great aunt’s Candelaria’s Pug, La Vey! It’s a vicious little thing… I think he actually whispered anti-Semitic things once. And he called me names…
K: Anyway, we were still good metal heads and hailed Satan as such. Not as much as Helmuth… that man even brought a satanic monk to blessed our mess with actual ceremonial incense.
J: Traumatic events involving hellish ankle biters aside, Belphegor certainly had a presence and truly knew how to command a stage. It’s really not much of a wonder why they are such badasses and are good at what they do!
K: Yeah, even though they mostly promoted the last album, Conjuring the Dead, they still performed a lot of favorites. “Bondage Goat Zombie”, “Lucifer Incestus”, “Devour This Sanctity”, “Belphegor – Hell’s Ambassador” and “Sexdictator Lucifer” just to name a few.
J: Only a few? You might as well name the whole setlist, but in this case I approve!
K: I even received a nod and a souvenir from Helmuth, himself. Their music may not be for everyone and that’s okay. Definitely was a show worth seeing. Glad I ditched work!