Note: So assuming you done fucked up for Valentines or you had a pretty good excuse for not being able to celebrate, you’re in luck! The Klown gots your back with great metal gift ideas for your significant other. Guaranteed!*

*Result vary. Many will participate. Few will win. Some will survive

Deivos Latest Will Enlighten You to Death Metal Bliss

For those of you who have never heard of this quintet, that’s okay, the Klown gots your back! Poland continues to produce some of the best metal in the world and Deivos is yet another testament. With all the gratuitous build up outta the way, this quintet has released their fifth studio album Endemic Divine through Selfmadegod Records. Allow the Klown to inform you that this album was fucking brutal! “Daimonion” kicks off this brutality by giving you a huge dose of technical death metal. “Dust of the Universe” definitely had the Klown hooked on this album. Not only was it heavy but it was really fast and upbeat and had this drunken mess start his own mosh. “Sisters of Mercy” was also another great track to listen to especially if you enjoyed the previous track mentioned. Still need a bit more convincing? Behemoth fans are definitely going to enjoy “Aperion” and “Gods of Death” because they sound like something that came out of The Apostasy and Demigod albums. Seriously, check these guys out the Klown highly recommend this for Behemoth, Cryptopsy and Hour of Penance fans.

5 out of 6, Brutality Just Went Holy 


Deivos will stir your non-existent soul

Cnoc An Tursa Sophmore has Emerged before Nessie

Who watched Braveheart!? The Klown knows he did. Although, the movie is now over 20 years old, this quartet has managed to make a pretty epic sounding soundtrack for it! Proving that Groundskeeper Willy isn’t the only bad ass Scotsman, Cnoc An Tursa bring us their second studio album The Forty Five through Apocalyptic Witchcraft Recordings. “The Yellow Locks of Charlie” gives you an epic sounding black metal, folk song with a chorus and wind instruments to boot. “The Standards on the Braes o’ Mar” and “Fuigheall” give a quick glimpse on what a melodic Primordial would sound like. Miss the sounds of Finntroll? “Wha Wadna Fecht for Charlie” can make you relive that again. The quartet will really get you to unleash yer inner Sir William Wallace, y’know the eponymous hero of Braveheart, with “Sound the Pibroch.” “The Last of the Stuart” took another page from Primordial’s playbook and will pump you up for an upcoming battle or a mosh! Whichever comes first. Yes, it was that invigorating. This album was pretty bitchin’, most importantly expect this type of folk to catch on especially if these guys are at the helm! Highly recommended for Primordial, Finntroll and Eluveitie fans! You can also check out this bad boy through the label’s bandcamp as well.

5 out of 6, Keep Your Kilts On, Lads! Ladies… as you were. 


Bust out that kilt and crank up some Cnon An Tursa!

Battle Beast Bring Forth their Fourth Album

The Finnish power metal sextet bring forth the noise and some pain with Bringer of Pain through Nuclear Blast Records. If you haven’t heard Battle Beast before, allow the Klown to let you know that they are part of the female fronted metal club. Now imagine, if you will, the sounds of Lordi but if Mr. Lordi was a female with interchangeable octaves to boot. If you can’t, the Klown pities you but urges you to hear “Straight to the Heart” and “Familiar Hell” because those songs support the Klown’s claim. However, if you are still high on Firewind’s Immortal, “Bringer of Pain” and “Beyond the Burning Skies” will give you that feel! If you’re a fan of the power metal theme with some 80’s style pop and funk undertones, “King for a Day” will be your track. Don’t let the description fool you, it sounds better than the Klown’s description. This album also features Amorphis’s frontman Tomi Joutsen sharing vocal duties with front woman of Battle Beast Noora Louhimo to make a dark but intimate track. The Beast also provides a score appropriate for a Viking party with the folk track in the form of “Bastard Son of Odin.” Lastly this album also features three extra tracks “God of War,” “The Eclipse” and “Rock Trash” to go along with this brand new installment.

5 out of 6, No Pain, No Gain! 



Crystal Viper Sixth has a Royal Return

The Polish Queen Marta Gabriel and her male subjects have returned from to us with a brand new album titled Queen of the Witches through AFM Records. This power metal album will get you to reminisce over Swedish power metal titan, Dream Evil… if Niklas Isfeldt was a chick and played guitar with a dash of Firewind. “The Witch is Back” was a great way to start this album and really shows off that Firewind influence. This first track was fast and powerful, it definitely had yours truly hooked. Remember the Dream Evil comparison too? “When the Sun Goes Down” and “Flames and Blood” were the songs to back the Klown’s claim. The queen also treats us with a ballad that could tame beast and man alike in the form of “Trapped Behind” and the power ballad “We Will Make It Last Forever.” “Do or Die” is definitely an anthem type of song in case you need a type of motivator to get your ass going. “Burn My Fire Burn” will definitely strike a chord for die hard Maiden fans. “Rise of the Witch Queen” was a definitely a kick ass song by not only having speed, great guitar licks and solos and the famous double bass drum pedals! This album closes out beautifully with a cover of Grim Reaper’s “See You in Hell,” giving it a newer and crisper sound and proving that sometimes things just need a feminine touch.

6 out of 6, Long Live the Queen!




Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Fill out this field
Fill out this field
Please enter a valid email address.
You need to agree with the terms to proceed