June is the season of graduations and when children avenge themselves and claim back the Earth, but the ravenous squirts and anxious teens weren’t the only ones to graduate. The Ugh Metal hooligans also had a promotion of their own much more valuable than Jenny Oh’s HR degree from Shae D. University or Chuggo’s Jester degree from Klown Kollege. Are you ready for this jelly?! Okay, here it comes. On June 7, these losers finally caught a break and had the opportunity to listen to the mighty Vader live and in the flesh! Gone are the days where they used to blast these death metal titans in the Ugh Mobile Mark 1 and 2! We will neither confirm nor deny whether the Klown and Jenny Oh cried a little but who wouldn’t after that night at the Brick By Brick?
J: AND I will confirm and not deny that this narrator is a liar ‘cause I don’t cry! Though I was feeling all sorts of things because VADER!!! The time had finally arrived and we were there man!
C: No longer did the Klown have to confine himself in his car to listen to these badass gents. But before we continue speaking about the mighty Vader, allow us to give credit where credit is due. As we all know, openers grease the wheels setting the shows in motion.
J: Kicking off the unholy campaign was none other than Warpath, marking their fourth appearance in Ugh Metal.
C: Another name synonymous to the Ugh Metal name but this time, they meant absolute business.
J: These gentlemen rolled out beneath the dark lighting and filled the emptiness around us with their battle cries along with their faithful caravan.
C: I’ll say! But that’s not what intrigued the Klown. Warpath promised a new song and they delivered.
J: Warpath unveiled their own anthem called “Warpath.” This vicious song will strike fear into their enemies and naysayers!
C: The real surprise of the night from them was when they busted out the big guns in the form of Pantera’s “Domination.”
J: YOU DON’T MESS WITH WARPATH! Especially after they unleash their empowering anthem “Unbroken” and the first song they composed “Leech.” I love epic endings!
C: Right you are, seester!
J: Things got a bit Micawber after this battle, giving way for some wickedly awesome death metal straight from Wisconsin.
C: The titans from Title Town treated us to some terrific terror titled based death metal.
J: WTF! Way to resurrect my migraine Chuggo! No wonder mother approved for you to go away to Klown Kollege!
C: I didn’t need mother’s approval…
J: Whoa look at you, wild child! AND in first person too! You MUST be sober. But enough about you Pagliacci, Micawber let out not one but TWO new brutal songs called “Funeral March” and “Beyond the Reach of Flames.”
C: Sounds like the Klown’s wake and destination. On a side note guitarist/vox Leighton Thompson’s vocals were bitchin’. His soft spoken nature may throw you off from his demeanor but once he starts growling, all bets are off! Thompson kept up with the crowd too.
J: Wisconsin gave us their biggest and sharpest cheese yet! This quartet’s brutality will linger in your eardrums long after you’ve had your serving.
C: Okay Chef Wolfgang Suck! Enough of your voice of ruin and it’s time to talk about Voices of Ruin.
J: These SoCal legends have been building steam for the past nine years.
C: AND counting! The Klown has heard the name linger for some time but never had the chance to experience them till that night.
J: It wasn’t hard to see why the quintet is so well known down under in So Cal. They bring a fun and jovial energy to death metal and know how to connect with the crowd. Vocalist Dave Barrett addresses fans like they are old buddies of his.
C: He also managed to turn this into a family affair. Aside from guitarist Tom Barrett being his brother, his father was present in the crowd. Barrett senior got an ovation from fans making it one hell of a father’s day moment.
J: Barrett senior was the coolest cat in the crowd and adding to this amazing moment was when Voices of Ruin played a different song in this tour stop and performed “Lost In A Dream.”
C: Which is how the Klown feels when he drinks good beer. I want to slaughter! [Patent pending]
J: The Klown may be referring to his nightly burrito slaughter but…
C: YEAH! ‘CAUSE I’M NO PUSSY!
J: Sure, sure you’re not… The next band to take the control of the stage was what the Klown performs on many defenseless burritos every night, Sacrificial Slaughter!
C: This had no guacamole, but at least they were local…sort of. It’s only a thirty minute drive to Corona so technically yeah.
J: Ummm…hmmmm…like I told my last date NO. These dudes came in ready to crack a few beers and skulls open! Vocalist Steve Worley was so ready; he dropped his pimp shoes at the door and was ready to go!
C: The Klown wants to say that he came at us like our Aunt Candelaria does before whooping our asses with the chancla.
J: Instead of feeling the reign of the chancla, we felt the “Reign of the Hammer”
C: It’s worth noting that that was one of the Klown’s signature moves when he was in The Railing Bros. Circus. Ultimately the ring leader, who was totally jelly of me, called me “The Inhuman Scourge.”
J: That’s old news you Klown shoe! Something Sacrificial Slaughter is not! Spare us your sad tales of how you soiled our family name.
C: Not much to soil. It feels more like an Internal Bleeding *Looks into the nonexistent camera and winks*
J: What is wrong with you?! What are you looking at?
C: The Klown is speaking to his faithful fans! Their satisfaction is the “Aftermath.” I’M DOING THIS FOR THE FANS! That does count as community service right?
J: Oh…sure, sure it does. I’ve grown tired of hearing about your “Inhuman Suffering” but I couldn’t get enough of the Internal Bleeding song especially if guitarist/hypeman Chris McCarthy
C: If the Klown had a hype man like him, the Klown’s career would have continued… probably. On a very serious note though, in light of the tragedy that occurred within the band, the Klown has to give props to guitarist/founder Chris Pervelis. The Klown can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for him not having his best friend/co-founder/drummer Bill Tolley. *Cracks open his finest beer* It’s a little late but here’s to you, sir. You’re a hero in every form.
J: Right you are Klown. After Pervelis’ heartfelt speech on his fallen brother, Internal Bleeding was oozing with enthusiasm and overwhelming energy. The band did justice to Tolley’s memory and his drum kit which was brought on tour for one last hoorah. The Long Island quintet channeled their pain into a memorable performance and stole the show, they true showmen till the very end.
C: Speaking of justice and to commemorate Tolley one last time, the group treated us to “Final Justice,” the final song the drummer composed for the band. And justice was served indeed. The Klown will take his nose off for their current drummer, Kyle Eddy, because he only had two weeks to learn the songs and he delivered.
J: Internal Bleeding may have divided us with a wall of death metal but Vader conquered.
C: Our lords from Poland conquered indeed and were the face of The Empire.
J: This empire was far from being a “Silent Empire” and shoved us in a “Vicious Circle.”
C: Talk about a “Triumph of Death!” It’s almost as if it was a “Prayer to the God of War.”
J: No more gin for you and your “Cold Demons.”
C: You can’t make me! That’s like sending me to the “Dark Age” of sobriety! Otherwise I’ll start sounding like those people that are “One Step To Salvation.”
J: I’Ll StArT SoUndINg lIkE THosE Ppl THaT aRe oNe StEp TO sAlvAtIoN! Yeah, yeah!
C: Anyway! The Klown was glad that Vader treated us to some classics such as “Parabellum.”
J: That’s from the new album dummy! Vader brought some brutality with “Carnal” you know what didn’t make me feel so carnal?
C: The hot Mexican neighbor you keep spying on, you know the one that calls me “carnal” sometimes?
J: …No…And you promised not to speak of…nevermind! No, their shortage of merch! Jenny sad…
C: Yeah! They should have just “Send Me Back To Hell” when I heard that A.K.A. summertime in Las Vegas, stay tuned for that one kids.
J: Oh gaawd y!? It was also drummer James Stewart’s burrrfday! Yay! Vader had us all sing happy birthday to the drummer, though there was no cake in this celebration, but that’s okay!
C: The Klown wanted to give him his Railgun Special, but security tackled the Klown down. However, Vader gave us the true treat of the night.
J: RAINING BLOOD! They surprised us with this timeless classic and all hell broke loose, again. Though Vader is not the type of band that runs around the stage like a rabid beast, their music does all the work along with their strong presence.
C: It was great seeing Piotr and company. AT LONG LAST! And in my own backyard! Most importantly, it was great not being confined in the Ugh Mobile Mark 1 blasting some Vader. Though this inside joke will not stop, especially on Goosebump Saturdays at the Ugh Metal HQ. This one was for the books and had a little bit of everything for everyone, ‘till next time Klown shoes!